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I've been struggling to articulate my emotions and thoughts. Partly because I want to learn, observe, and have an informed perspective. Partly because there is almost no right way to speak or act without inadvertently offending one party or another.
Growing up in a conservative, privileged, and like-minded community, I was shielded from the injustices in our world. What was often on the news seemed to be irrelevant to me and I lived in a mixture of ignorance and apathy. My parents tried to make sure our childhood was safe - protecting our innocence by building an invisible boundary to not let harm in, even if that also meant keeping societal realities out.
My social circle was 99% middle-class, immigrant, Asian households whose hearts were set on the American dream. While my parents did experience their fair share of racism, those experiences did not stop them from forming their own prejudice's against other races. These prejudices stemmed from a mix of social bias and unjust personal encounters that sadly sewed seeds of hurt, anger, and fear. Those same prejudices unconsciously leaked into our family's language and shaped my adolescent mind in ways I never actively challenged.
When I first heard about George Floyd's killing, I will fully admit it did not disturb me the way it should. I saw an Instagram post and a screenshot of the footage but brushed it off as another bad police call.
Until I saw more. More videos, more posts.
The uproar started and finally, it started to sink in. It isn't "just another statistic". It was an innocent life.
The protests started and a social media storm shook the world. Many felt the weight of the injustice and demanded that our politicians and judicial system step up to give a sentence that matched the weight of the crime. And to not just stop there - but finally address the root issue of systemic wrongs.
At the same time, looting and vandalism also started happening and what was once a step in the right direction suddenly showed another side of humanity. An ugly side.
I found myself pouring over posts, videos, and articles trying to piece together what was true and what wasn't. The lack of context and personal bias made it hard to see. Put any two posts side by side and anyone would question how it is possible for two vastly different truths can co-exist (or could they?). Without knowing THE truth, who was I to speak? On top of that, how do I face my ignorance and call out in me what I believe He created us to stand for?
And then I heard Breanna's story.
A story that, for whatever reason, hit closer. Perhaps it was because she was a woman. Perhaps it was because the criminal acts happened in her home - her place of safety. Perhaps it was timing since, just the night before, we attended a virtual service on Biblical lament. I asked for a heart that broke the way His would. I needed it because without it, how is there change?
This morning, after two days of reflection, I asked James if we could go to San Jose protest. My internal dialog was not getting me anywhere and I wanted to see, first hand, the truth behind the movement. I didn't want to just witness history being made anymore, I wanted to be a part of it. Financial support and open conversations were a step but without being physically present, I knew the movement wouldn't take root in me the way it needed to.
We decided to participate in a peaceful march from one side of San Jose to city hall. I quickly made a poster and off we went not fully knowing what to expect beyond what was in the media. We parked near city hall and started making our way towards the meeting point but noticed... there weren't any protestors around. Did we get the date wrong?
We walked a few more blocks and still, no one. I was carrying my sign with the words "Black Lives Matter" facing the street but kept wondering the whole time whether I should carry it more prominently out front. My insecurities slowly creeped in... "What if no one else comes, should we still march?" "What if someone approaches me in opposition, could I hold my ground?" "Is it disrespectful that I am not already boasting this sign loud and proud even as we walk alone?"
Leading up to this, my biggest concern was checking my intentions. I didn't want to partake in anything - physical or virtual, if it was only to jump on the bandwagon sensation. I found myself questioning every desire to post, wondering if it was just to check a box for myself and "feel good" for doing something instead or if I was taking action because it was right.
And then we saw the group standing on the corner of 21st and Santa Clara St. A group of mixed individuals - somewhat small in numbers but mighty in presence. Our leader introduced herself, her professor, and then gave a run down the events ahead. We stood at that corner for 30 minutes proclaiming truths and asking for justice. For some, it took the form of passing out water to the group. For others it took the form of standing by their colored friends and family. For us, it was joining in their voices.
At 11:30AM, we started the march towards city hall by walking side-by-side to take up the width of the two way street.
As we walked, we shouted.
As we walked, we remembered.
As we walked, we grieved.
As we walked, we hoped.
There was a moment where I felt a completely out of body experience. Was this really happening? Both in our society and in me. Again, I will fully admit that I never would have imagined myself in a protest for Black Lives Matter even a year ago ... and that is the very part of the problem. The weight of it all hit me as we walked and I couldn't help but feel so much beauty in what was happening.
When we got to city hall, we kneeled or laid on the ground for 8 minutes and 46 seconds. Every individual's silhouette was traced in chalk so that our presence would continue to stay there and symbolically fight on. We heard from the leaders. We heard from individuals in the community. We heard from a young black child. Testimonies and pleas for true change. No justice, no peace.
As we walked towards our car, I wondered what Jesus do in this moment. Would he confront the hypocrites and unjust rulers? Would he meet the broken hearted one by one?
Pray for justice. Pray for peace. Pray for His shalom over His people.