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It's 6:30AM right now. I'm sitting on the sofa in our Airbnb in Park City and I haven't been able to keep my mind from racing since I found out that I was pregnant yesterday.
My period was 3 days late but I couldn't tell if I was spotting or not due to a delayed period. I have been stressed at work and the travel probably put stress on my body so a delayed period made sense. But I just couldn't shake the lingering thought that... I might be pregnant.
Yesterday morning, I went out and bought a pregnancy test (trying to pretend that it was some other errand with James but he caught on). After I came back and had a few meetings, I finally braved it and took it. This isn't the first once I've taken so I was 80% sure I probably wasn't pregnant.... until I was.
My heart has been racing a million miles an hour since.
My mind has probably been running even 10x more.
... and I managed to keep it from James but boy is it hard. He knows my cycle like clockwork and he's the hardest person to surprise, but for this, I want to really soak in the news between myself and the One who gifted me this baby. I also want to capture the surprise look on his face once I tell him the news :)
We were planning to do a photo shoot in Moab next week for our holiday photos and I want to use that to share the news with my soon-to-be baby daddy.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. Or worried. Or feeling just utterly unprepared.
Last month was the first month we had even considered not "preventing" pregnancy just to see how it goes - who knew it would be so quick?!
The second emotion I've been feeling is just utter unworthiness and gratefulness. I know many who are struggling to conceive and I didn't believe that God would bless us with a baby so soon. Why me? Why us? I feel so inadequate in so many ways (I even struggle to adult myself!). But the truth is... He believes in us and planned this for us long before we had any desires ourselves. For that, I am truly humbled. I've been trying to hold back my emotional happy tears in fear that James will notice.
He is so faithful until the end. Pregnancy or not.
I've been thinking about all the things I need to do in preparation of motherhood and being what my baby deserves. Read all the books. Figure out what to eat or not to eat. Make sure I know all the pregnancy watch points. Schedule doctor's appointments (how often do I even need to do that?!). Figure out what the baby needs. Figure out where we're even going to live (!).
The planner in me feels so unprepared and unfit for the big role to play. I was supposed to have all this researched, a house purchased, and a career set before the baby. So.... what now?
And I keep reminding myself that at the end, what this baby needs is unconditional love. My calling is to delight in Him and the blessing that comes.
He will provide. He always has.
This morning, I started a new devotional again and the message was a familiar one that helped carried me throughout high school around the vine and the branches. However, this time, it carries such a different perspective and weight...
... On our way into town by taxi one morning, we saw the last of the harvesters walking the rows - inspecting the vines and clipping the final heavy clusters of fruit. Captivated, I felt like I was watching live reenactments of some of Christ's own parables. It was not lost on me that one of His final exhortations to His disciples was, essentially, "Be immensely fruitful" (John 15:5-8). The image of the vineyard had consumed me ever since.
When Jesus told His disciples, "My Father is the gardener" (John 15:1), He wasn't using random imagery to sketch His point. From the very first book in the Bible, we discover that God is a gardener: The Lord planted a garden (Genesis 2:8).
From the beginning, it's God Himself with hoe and spade. It's God who's afoot with herbs and bulbs. It's God with the knack and no Farmers' Almanac.
It's a wonder to me that God would choose to slowly grow what He could have simply created grown. Why on earth would He go through the trouble to plant a garden forced to sprout rather than commanding it into existence, full bloom? Why leave His desk and get His pant legs soiled?
Because God likes watching things grow.