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It's been a minute since I've blogged on here and so much has happened!
Last Monday, I finally went to the doctor to have my first check-up. To say I was a ball of nerves is an understatement. I've been struggling with the fact that James cannot join me in any pre-natal appointments due to COVID and while I know this policy is intended to protect our community, it is gut wrenching. In the grand scheme of things, there are many other sweet moments that COVID has stolen (graduations, weddings, family gatherings - just to name a few) but something about a husband and wife being able to see and experience their first born together is such a beautiful thing that I wish we could have.
I was also having many doubts about using Kaiser and my OBGYN throughout this pregnancy on top of worrying about ... well... am I ACTUALLY pregnant?!
Walking into that doctor's office, I prayed my heart out asking for so much favor. And He granted it.
I was able to Facetime James into the office call and my OBGYN was so patient and thorough in talking me through the pregnancy. She even remembered small details from my last visit (5 years prior!) that made me feel much more at ease. The ultrasound finally came and she spoke the words I was longing to hear ... "everything looks healthy and you are 8 weeks along".
I cried. James cried.
Life really is a miracle. A humbling, unearned, previous gift.
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The morning sickness has been really strong since our Utah trip leading up to the doctor's appointment. In fact, it isn't even just morning sickness. The nausea will just suddenly hit with the wrong smells (apparently baby C isn't fond of coffee, meats, cheese... or pretty much anything other than carbs and veggies) or a sudden change in environment (hot to cold weather, etc). I've seen the bottom of a toilet more times that I care for. On a bright note, the nausea is on the decline and I'm progressing towards the golden trimester!
After our Utah trip, I lost 4 pounds that I only recently started to gain back but my appetite hasn't been the same. I've been having what I call "food swings" (which I thought shouldn't happen until much later?). Lately, I've been craving a lot of Chinese and Korean food which totally matches baby - 50% Chinese and 50% Korean :)
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We're currently working out of my parents house for Thanksgiving week and we're about to break the news to them during Thanksgiving dinner. I keep playing out how the conversation will go and what their reaction might be. It's strange feeling carrying a big secret for this long - you almost start to overthink it. Every time I come home, I really cherish my talks with my parents about our life plans, latest adventures, worries and joys. Sometimes these talks put me at ease. Other times, it actually heightens my anxiety knowing I don't have all the answers. As we talked over the past few days, there were so many moments I wanted to say "if you only knew!... "
Baby C has been slowly but overwhelmingly shifting my perspective and priorities.
We still don't know where we're going to live or how we're going to manage raising this baby without family close by. I go through roller coaster of emotions when I think about it but God has been pressing in me that this is precisely where He wants me to be. In utter reliance on Him but faithfully and diligently doing what I am called to do.
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On the drive down to LA this past weekend, we listened to Reality SF's Sunday message around God's attribute of being eternal. It centered around Ecclesiastes 3 "A Season for Everything" and the pastor touched on the 3 tensions around 1.) time that is both swift and slow moving 2.) circumstances that can change directions in an instant and 3.) choice in how you respond.
It's been over 2 months into the pregnancy and I still find myself wondering why God has called us into parenthood in the timing that He has. We were open to a pregnancy but weren't actively trying. We certainly didn't think it would happen this quickly, only a year and a half into marriage. I hold on to the belief that His plan was so intentional in bringing Him glory and bringing us joy.
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There is a moment in Utah that I keep reflecting on.
James and I were driving through Zion to catch the sunrise at observation point and I was overcome with memories of the last time I was in Zion 4 years ago with my parents. Back then, I had just broken up with a boyfriend of 4 years whom I thought I was going to marry. I was in a place of brokenness, desperately trying to figure out what it meant to rebuild myself. The planned family road trip to escape California did not take into account the holiday traffic and snow closures in the national parks. What was supposed to be a full day Zion adventure ended up being a drive-by turn around because we couldn't even make it into the park.
I remember feeling that our trips' circumstance mirrored how I felt on the inside and it was hard to find joy in the moment.
Fast forward 4 years - I'm now driving through Zion, watching the leaves change into fall colors with my husband and baby-to-be.
I could have never imagined or even designed the story that I was about to go on. One of restoration and so much grace. Those wintery moments of feeling lost were so pivotal in the build because without starting from a point of surrender, the foundation would never be laid.
Make me a vessel, make me an offering, make me whatever You want me to be.
I came here with nothing but all You have given me. Jesus, bring new wine out of me.