.jpg)
3 months seems like a big one (though I probably think that about every month)
Lately I've been reflecting a lot more about parenthood and this season we are in.
Awhile ago, I read a beautifully written post by a friend. When she was asked what her favorite thing about motherhood was, she said that she loved being able to experience the Eden that God probably desired us to live in - exploring a world of "pure creativity, every adventure, and every sensation and wonder". She writes about how we, as parents do everything we can to try to recreate that by building a world where there is thrill in the small things - from the delight of going down a slide or seeing a puppy on the street. At the same time, she speaks of "joy of watching your kids learn to do hard things." The struggle builds character that allows our little ones to continue experiencing Eden.
Along similar lines, I read another post from a mom who experiences the great joy when her baby fully leans into her, much like the way we lean into God. She speaks of fulfillment and pure happiness in knowing she is needed and able to provide safety and the comfort - a mirror of what He must feel with us.
When people ask why I wanted to have children, there are the typical answers I give - the joy of being able to raise a little one, being able to leave a legacy through raising the next generation, or even simply living the "American dream"...
But the truth is, for as long as I can remember, parenthood to me meant that I would be able to experience, in flesh, a glimmer of depths of the dynamic that God intends to have with us in the purest form.
I have been learning a lot about delight. My days are relatively uneventful. They consist of watching Z play on the play mat for hours, making up songs and funny faces with him in the bouncer, or going on strolls in the neighborhood. It is probably the most simple season of my adult life but I've never experienced pure delight the way I have these past 3 months. My cup is full and content just being with him. It helps that he is truly the cutest (unbiased opinion of course). And as a (fairly intense) busy body who craves adventures and thrills, these realizations have unlocked a great sense of peace.
When the Bible mentions that He delights in us, I never fully understood what that meant. The phrase "He delights in us most when we delight in Him" is repeated from the pulpits that rings a beautiful but elusive idea. For the first time, I'm finally stating to understand.
Given how quickly these past 3 months have gone by, I'm starting to feel anxious about the imminent return to work. A lot of moms talk about this unending tension in motherhood - the guilt of working and likewise the guilt of staying home. The thought of missing many milestone moments makes my heart sink but frankly, so does the thought of missing these mundane days because these are the minutes that make up his short life on earth. On one hand, I would gladly walk away from the corporate race and pursuit of a thriving career to be with Z. On the other hand, I believe I can emulate many character traits I desire for Z through my work, broaden his world through that avenue, and financially provide in more ways. This tension has been weighing heavy on me and I'm still navigating how to live within it.
-----
Our boy has hit so many milestones in this third month! From more motor skills to exploring the world around him, we're so proud of our little guy. Below are some of the new developments:
Z found his hand! and apparently it tastes quite delicious ;) Z is constantly observing and putting his hand his mouth. This helps with self-soothing quite a bit so I'll take it!
In addition to finding his hand, he has started reaching and even grabbing onto his toys. His right hand seems to be his dominant hand so far based on limited left hand coordination :) He has a set of rattles that we joke are his dumbbells for doing reps. Start 'em young!
Tummy time is going strong - he can lift his head for quite a while on the boppy and a few minutes directly on the map. Z tends to grunt a lot during tummy time which is sadly endearing :)
He is a "TALKER" :) soooo many coos and sounds throughout the morning and I can't get enough. It is the sweetest thing and I really wish I knew what was going on in that little head of his.
We've heard his first giggle & laugh. He's a total ham and gives the best smiles. I wish I could freeze those little moments forever.
He's still figuring out his emotions and we've caught him teetering between crying and laughing quite a few times. His sad face looks straight out of a cartoon book and melts me.
Bath time has slowly been growing on him and we no longer stress about getting through it! We stopped doing sink baths and started bathing with him in the tub which makes it all the more fun for all of us.
We've taken him out! On his 2 month-versary, we took him to Half Moon Bay semi-successfully (he fell asleep on our walks and only made it through ordering at a restaurant). Since then, we've gone back to Half Moon Bay, visited 2 pumpkin patches, went to a few shopping plazas, and even made it to Costco (which he apparently loves!)
and lastly... he sleeps through the night! Not every night and not consistently, but he has been sleeping 6-7 hour stretches quite frequently now and it has been GAME CHANGING. There still are a few night feedings but this has turned a new chapter for us (... until 4 month sleep regression hits)
It's wild to see him change and grow.
My mama heart constantly swells with bittersweet emotions and reading books to him will often make me tear up. From him quickly outgrowing my lap in the recliner when nursing to packing away his first set of 0-3 month clothes, I find myself needing to adapt just as quickly as he is growing. Babies don't keep. Thankfully he will be my forever baby ;)
And for my future self to remember... below are a few of my favorite moments with him these days:
The way his little hand rests on my arm openly when I carry him - almost like he's giving me a hug
Similarly, the way he holds onto my fingers with his whole hand wrapped snuggly around
His "whole face" smiles as I rock him to sleep each and every nap singing "you are my sunshine" (I've tried changing up the song and this is his favorite to fall asleep to)
Morning snuggle sessions in our bed after he's had a good night sleep (the absolute BEST that will perhaps make me a morning person :))
His frequent head turns as he curiously takes in his surroundings now that he can see more clearly. The whole world is opening up!
Hearing the rattles on the play mat when I'm in the kitchen and knowing he is thoroughly happy entertaining himself
His squeals when we do a "kiss attack" or engage in a conversation with him
The way he folds his hands together when we put him in the floor seat as though he is meditating or praying
His open mouth and relaxed posture when he falls asleep on us in the carrier whenever we are out and about
... and of course, the way he simply delights in us and us in him
----
Since Z has entered the world (and even before in the womb), James and I have been his world.
We are all he knows - sustenance, safety, comfort. It is a beautiful, humbling, exhausting, and fulfilling calling that demands all of my physical and emotional self. There have been many moments of holding my needs (literally holding going to the restroom ;) or eating) to provide for him first that sometimes wears thin. But to be loved and needed by him has been my greatest calling. It is truly the greatest gift and I often fall asleep feeling like I won the lottery with our sweet little boy.
So just as much as we are his world, he is mine.
Love you so much Z. More than you will ever know.